urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun not_thesun not_thesun 2007-10-23T22:45:27Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:30353 2007-10-23T22:45:27Z 2007-10-23T22:45:27Z I feel downright fucking awefull<br /><br />i should have taken more care of him and im a fucking bastard<br /><br />im so sorry elliott urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:30018 2007-10-09T08:08:53Z 2007-10-09T08:08:53Z Listening to far too much death cab for cutie, playing wow, and watching loads of the OC recently.<br /><br />fuck my life urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:29818 2007-09-06T22:51:17Z 2007-09-06T22:51:17Z Wow, today can really fuck off. So basically I quit my job today thinking it would all be okay coz I would have the comfort of uni to fall back onto. Ya know what, bad things ALWAYS fucking happen to me. Ive been told that I dont have a uni place now coz theyre all filled up and ready to go.<br /><br />I really dont know what I'm gonna do. I actually cant work another year, I really would prefer to actually kill myself. You really have no idea how fucking serious I am about this. Im depressed enough as it is, so ya know, what the fuck.<br /><br />I really really really hate my life.<br /><br />Goodbye. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:29561 2007-09-06T01:35:31Z 2007-09-06T01:35:31Z I think ive had a bit of realisation today. I mean I actually got out of the house for once and went and did something.... granted it was a trip to Flamingo Land with someone I hardly ever get to see, btu as soon as I got home I sat in front of my computer and did the same thing I always do, log straight onto that fucking game. I mean, I managed to find money to pay my subscription for that this month but I didnt find money to pay for my uni application. I also found so much more time to do that than I have anything else ever. Im just fucking burning out. I guess I don't see much of my friends anymore, but to be honest thats not whats bothering me. Im fucking ill, way ill, stupidly bastardly ill and I spend so much time in a fanstay world (LITERALLY!) that I havent let anything set in.<br /><br />My liver is actually starting to digest itself.<br /><br />I just dont know what to do. I REALLY dont know how to have fun without drinking, and im taking such a lighthearted approach to all this. Im honestly tempted to go to Alcholics Annonymous or something, coz I really cant stop drinking. It's not like I havent tried. I mean I've got such amazing will power when it comes to anything else, like when I got kicke out of school I had the will power to sort myself out, I was veggie for AGES even though i loved meat, but this is just stupid. I really dont want to quit, and thats bad considering the circumstances. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:29264 2007-08-05T16:24:10Z 2007-08-05T16:24:10Z I really ought to stop drinking. I mean at 20 with the all the news about my body and stuff I should really be thinking about sorting myself out a bit.<br /><br />Over the past few years I have found out:<br /><br />1)Im deaf in one ear, and have no skin across that eardrum.<br />2)I've got an eptopic heartbeat. Basically meaning I have an off rhythm heartbeat, gets worse when i lie down. 8 hours sleep to you = about 5 hours to me.<br />3)I've got acute liver damage from drinking too much. <br />4)I've got a dodgy pancreas from drinking too much.<br />5)I've got enlarged kidneys giving me bad backs all the time.<br />6)I've got high blood pressure<br />7)I've got depression (inevitably)<br />8)I'm overweight.<br /><br />I dunno, it just seems that more and more and more is getting worse with me. If I were a buddist id say ive done something wrong in a past life to deserve this, but I'm not a buddist at all. So I reckon its a little unfair that I've got all this shit happening to meh. Someone come and doctor me pleeeease. <br /><br />Well, I'm moving back to my mums for that anyway. Little motherly love and doating(sp?) never did anyone any harm. Plus mums cooking &gt; mine, so its win win win.<br /><br />Saw rosie yesterday. THAT was wweeeeiiiirrrddd.<br /><br />Work &lt; hell. Working more and more with people I hate, and less and less with people I give a toss about ie Cara.<br /><br />I want to see Sharly soon, that would be amazing.<br /><br />I want to sort out uni soon, but i dont fucking understand this UCAS ballz, someone come and help meh plz?!<br /><br />I want to go and brush my teeth and set off for work now. <br /><br />bye bye bye urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:19163 2007-03-09T00:46:08Z 2007-03-09T00:46:08Z Sage francis + got up this morning Right im about to have a massive rant that i would talk to people about, if i thought theyd actually give me an opportunity to talk to them about without cutting me off and saying im talking shit, when i actually am not.<br /><br />Our so called "friends" circle has a massivly rediculous amount of eltism in it. Everything is devided into "tiers" as ben put it. On top is tom, dave, alice, lauren etc. then theres say ben and jemma etc.... and then theres me. Call me emo or whatever, but where the fuck are my invites to anything? just coz i dont sit and smoke weed doesnt mean i dont wanna do anything ever. Its rediculous. It feels like ben never wants to hang out with me anymore either, coz he spends his time between charlotte and jemma. When i said i wouldnt see anyone anymore when armley manor was over, i meant that noone would actually acknowelegde i exist. <br /><br />Its so fucked that id actually feel like this from my friends really. I mean i know i work shit hours, but that doesnt mean you cant send me a text, or drop me a line when anythings going on. Example of this.... tuesday, where was my invite? oh wait tom asked me to come once he asked me if he could borrow my shoes to go out with, and then realised that he probably should invite me after that. paranoia much? no. Noone ever asks me if i wanna come out on a weeked either, im such a fucking tag along and i fucking hate what im turning into. <br /><br />Am i really that bad to hang out with? <b>hello everyone</b> im not as anti-social as you all might think... but if this keeps going on, i really fucking will just dissapear coz its so hard to deal with, when i feel worthless and stuff, and my friends around me are making me feel so much fucking worse.<br /><br />i'm just sick of being a friend when i suits all of you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:6568 2007-01-24T05:28:35Z 2007-01-24T05:28:35Z Gallows and plight gig tonight was one of the best ive been to in a long time, saying that, i havent been to any gigs in a long time, so i guess thats a bit of a stupid thing to say.<br /><br />Slam dunk after was good aswell, cept getting loads of drinks poured on me etc etc but i dont <i>actually</i> care about it.<br /><br />just caught the end of dead mans shoes after busting into bens room, well, when i say busting in, tom and ben were asleep and hooley was just monged out staring at the screen.<br /><br />im so tired but i dont feel the need to sleep.<br /><br />goooodbye! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:3733 2006-12-19T04:39:13Z 2006-12-19T04:39:13Z I literally dont have time for anything or anyone anymore, now that ive started work. Its like, ive got so much people wanting to hang out all the time, and im so tired and im turning into sucyh a shit friend.<br /><br />It doesnt matter though, coz im feeling fuck loads better about everything now.<br /><br />My life, my way. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:1847 2006-11-24T15:18:43Z 2006-11-24T15:18:43Z Brand New + Not The Sun Last night I played computer games till the early hours of the morning. I had loads to think about, and sleeping really wasnt on the agenda. I've done some pretty fucked up things recently, and I've been totally out of character for quite a few weeks now. Not that anyone else might care, but I kinda do. I dont know whether its the drinking or what thats doing it, but I really have to <b>stop</b> doing some of the things I am.<br /><br />I miss my mum loads. I know shes not at the other side of the world or anything so I feel bad for only going to see her once in a blue moon. Shes always asking me to go over, saying she'll cook me dinner and stuff, and I'm always busy making excuses. She'll hate me when she finds out theres no money left on that credit card, coz i promised her i wasnt gonna drink anymore. WHOOOOPS.<br /><br />I'm looking forward to starting work. Not only will I have a little money, but I'll have something to occupy my time, a I have had FAR too much of it recently.<br /><br />Gah, wheres ben anyway? his room was open, and hes signed into msn, but the little strech armstrong wannabe is nowhere to be found. GAH. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:not_thesun:555 2006-11-21T01:38:28Z 2006-11-21T01:38:28Z This journal is gonna be <b>friends</b> only.